Kill My Landlord..Kill My Landlord.....Kill My Landlord

Janie- I aint a talkin' about you.... :)

This phrase is from Saturday Night Live back when it was good! I think I am going to have to go rent "The Best of Eddie Murphy".. All I remember is Eddie sitting on a stool reciting a poem about how he is going to "Kill My Landlord".. I know morbid.. but ohh so funny... It reminds me of an experience I had this past week..

...let me give you a little bit of background before I start my rant.. Jason and I are moving closer to work since we have a baby on the way. I, the fool that I am, assigned Jason the task to find us somewhere to live. I knew it would be a disaster. But being pregnant you will delegate things to others because you have enough to do and you are tired and overwhelmmed. I should have done it myself. Jason loves to put all of his eggs in one basket and when they all crack he wonders what went wrong. I am a girl who likes to plan and have options. Not Jason... how dare he have options and make a plan. Noooo, I think he enjoys the stress of everything going wrong and hearing me complain about it for months this situation he will hear about for years.

Back to the story... Jason has I went looking for places to live let me just say ONE place in a nice neighborhood with my future in laws one street over. I have decided that Jason is taking the reigns on this deal. He looks at a place and if it is something he thinks we are interested in he calls me and I come and look. That is what happened on Saturday. That is what happened when I met the landlords from hell.

The landlords are an older couple in their early 70's. They were nice enough but it was that "give us your money-sign here kinda nice". The first thing the lady said was " I know you hear that barking dog that dog will be gone today we own the place next door and we told them the dog has to go and it is going to Jacksonville". Okay I am an animal lover and I told the Man-Landlord-From Hell in the nicest way possible that I didnt want to hear anymore from him about the dog. He actually took a clue and dropped the subject. He took me on a tour of the place and continued running his mouth. The Man-Land-Lord-From Hell- asked me when my "coucment date is". okay... that is just gross I am not sure how to spell it. I spelled it like he said it. I think you get the jest of it. Why didnt he say "When is your baby due?" I guess that would have been too normal for him to say. He has earned himself two strikes but I move on...

As the Man-Land-Lord-From Hell is taking me for a tour he comments on the tub "two people can fit in the tub at once" and "two people can take a shower at once". After I talked to Jason about it he said the Man-Land-Lord-From-Hell said the same things to him. So gross coming from a nasty old man! three strikes and now I have added pervert to his name.

After the perverted tour is over we talk to the Perverted-Man-Land-Lord-From-Hell and the Woman-Land-Lord-From-Hell in the kitchen. Jason and I feel like we should be semi-honest and we tell the Prevented-Man-Land-Lord from Hell and the Woman-Land Lord-From-Hell that we have a cat. You would have thought I told them I had a tiger and five snakes that live with us. The Woman-Land-Lord ask "WHAT DOES THE CAT DO ALL DAY? JUST RUN AROUND LIKE HE OWNS THE PLACE!!??" Well I replied "He is fat/ old and he sleeps all day". I wish so much I could go back in time. I would have replied" I havent checked the cat's agenda lately but when I get home I will make sure I have him hammer out his schedule and we will give you a copy to place with our lease so you will know what he is doing at all times!" I know I am a smart mouth ...but I think a stupid question deserves a stupid answer. four strikes and now I have added crazy to the Lady-Land-Lord-From-Hell.

As you probably figured we pretty much decided about right then that it wasnt going to work out.. I wish I would have told her the truth.. I should have said " I have two indoor cats, two outdoor cats, and I have a family of four raccoons that I feed nightly and really want to bring them all with me to my new pad here in the country club". I think she would have fainted and I would have loved it!

Needless to say things were going downhill at an even faster rate.. The Crazy-Lady-Land-Lord informed us that she comes over to water the plants.. ahhh.. but there is an irrigation system why must she come over to water the plants?????..Ohh..I know why to look in the windows and spy and prowl thorough your things! Watering the plants..yeah right...Strike five

The next issue is that the Perverted-Land-Lord-From-Hell, asked " Why we had two different last names and if we were planning on getting married?". Which is illegal by the way. Yet, again I wish I could have went back in time. I wish I would have defended myself. I just replied in a wimpy manner "Maybe someday". The Perverted-Man-Land-Lord said "Well it is proven that individuals who live together are a higher credit risk." I let it go.. Why did I not defend myself?! I wish so much I could go back in time and say "This is how I have decided to live my life not be married". "This is a decision I have made and I stand by it firmly. I have nothing to be ashamed of and you will not make me feel as though I should be ashamed of my lifestyle" "I stand by how I live." If only I could go back. Needless to say I guess you figured out we didnt rent from him. I have his card and I am so tempted to call him and say the above things to him. With this being a small town I have decided against it and I will just vent on my blog and work on BayLee the cat's daily agenda with him so I will have it handy the next time I am asked what his schedule is. I will be prepared. ...With Love BamaSlammer